Guest post by Thibaut Meurisse
'Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.'
Knowing the truth can be painful. However, it is a necessary step before any change can take place. In this article let me share with you 3 disturbing truths that we often prefer to ignore.
Your children are not your property.
'Can you be said to love me if you cling to me and will not let me go?
If you will not let me be? Can you be said to love me if you
need me psychologically or emotionally
for your happiness? '
~ Anthony De Mello, Awareness.
We constantly identify ourselves with things or people by talking about “my” house, “my” car or “my” wife. We mistakenly derive most of our identity from external things or relationships with other people. In reality there is no such thing as “my.” It’s just a social construct reflecting a strong desire from the ego to create a sense of ownership over things or people but nothing truly belongs to you.
Why did you decide to have children? Maybe you thought becoming a parent would make you happy or maybe you wanted to leave behind a legacy. Perhaps such a legacy gives you the comfortable illusion of immortality and alleviates your fear of death.
So, now you have children and you find yourself trying to achieve your unfulfilled dreams through them. You decide for your children what they should or should not do and what kind of life they should have. Your children become servants of your ego, as you use them to fulfill your own desires. What makes you believe that you can tell your children what to do?
The truth is your children don’t belong to you. It is certainly your responsibility to educate them and to give them the tools they need to be successful in life but, once they reach adulthood, you lose the right to dictate the direction of their lives. The amount of time and money you invested in them shouldn’t be used as a tool to control them, that sort of behavior doesn’t reflect true parental love.
It is not the responsibility of your children to make you happy or to live up to your expectations. You cannot demand that they do something that goes against their happiness in order to satisfy your own happiness. For that would no longer be love but rather selfishness. Let them do what they want to do and they will return your love back tenfold.
Your partner is not here to solve your problems.
'The purpose of a relationship is not to have another who might complete you, but to
have another with whom you might share your completeness. '
~ Neale Donald Walsch
For a relationship to be healthy, you need to be happy with yourself first. Only then can you give love to your partner rather than using them in an attempt to fill a void within you. No other person or material thing can complete you, rather only you yourself can do that!
Most dysfunctional relationships are the result of people trying to fix their own problems through their partner. Your partner is not a professional counselor and is certainly not here to solve all of your problems or fill gaps within you. If you go from one dysfunctional relationship to another, it is likely because you yourself are dysfunctional.
You are hoping to get something from your partner. You don’t love your partner you simply need her!
You may certainly ask your partner to have patience in understanding you and to support you, but you should never expect her to solve your problems for you. Even if they wanted too they couldn’t. Only you can solve your problems. Stop passing the buck to your partner and take the bull by the horns.
If you can’t stand being alone and are overly needy then you will likely attract similar people, which will only result in more dysfunctional relationships!
Your life is largely fiction.
'To be identified with your mind is to be trapped in time: the compulsion to live almost exclusively through memory and anticipation. This creates an endless preoccupation with past and future and an unwillingness to honor and acknowledge the present moment and allow it to be. The compulsion arises because the past gives you an identity and the future holds the promise of salvation, of fulfillment in whatever form. Both are illusions.'
~ Eckhart Tolle
Theoretically, we know that we can only live in the present. However, in reality, most of us are completely trapped in our thoughts. Our mind convinces us that our past is totally real and simultaneously creates huge expectations about the future — but your past is not real. The only thing that remains from the past is thoughts that are no more than a partial interpretation of your reality. It has been demonstrated countless times in studies where participants claim to remember things that never even happened!
Your entire identity is based on a past that no longer exists. Yet, you are totally convinced that who you are is the result of some distorted memories from a past reality that is no more.
Your constant focus on the past and the future make you totally scared of death. It creates the illusion that when you will die, you will lose your past and your future while in reality you can only lose the present moment, which cannot be defined in term of time. If you think about it, you will realize that you have actually no direct way to experience time.
The bottom line: stop taking your past so seriously and stop creating countless expectations about the future — just enjoy the present moment.
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'Only your heart can free yourself from yourself.'
~ Mark Weeks
The old warrior reached out and gently squeezed his granddaughters hand. The glow of the campfire etched out her beauty, she was no longer the young girl who would ride with him into the wilderness hunting deer and swimming in the creek. She was now a woman, and this would be their last evening together, tomorrow she would leave for her arranged marriage with the Lakota. His heart felt heavy and tears welled in both their eyes. She knew too that by the time she returned, if she did, he would have died.
How can I be true to myself she had asked earlier in the evening, he had remained silent. But now as the campfire dwindled she asked once more, 'How can I stay true to me grandfather, I feel like I will lose myself within this new tribe, and lose the real me.'
The warrior took a deep breath and called upon the spirits to guide his voice.
'To know yourself and understand yourself is to begin to trust yourself. When you begin to have confidence in your own feelings and act on them you are becoming self-reliant, no matter where you maybe in the world.'
The girl gently nodded, and a half smile illuminated her angelic face.
'But,' the old man added in a heavy tone, 'this is never going to be an easy journey, others want you to conform and surrender to their principles, their myths.' He prodded the dying embers with his staff, and returned his gaze back to his granddaughters eyes.
'These battles will continue throughout your life,' he paused for a second, 'yet their outcomes are determined by the two wolves inside every heart. These wolves only live to tear each other apart. This is the bloodiest fight man will ever know. It is terrible, I still feel them everyday gnawing away at each other. They are relentless in their viciousness and power. They drain me of energy and leave me sombre.'
The old man let the silence wash over him, nourishing his thoughts, he had never spoken directly to his granddaughter about his inner feelings before, always remaining stoic, but age does something to a man. Tears welled in his eyes.
'What do these wolves stand for grandfather?'
'One is full of evil', replied the old man solemnly, 'he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, self-pity, arrogance, guilt, resentment, false pride, inferiority, lies, superiority and ego. The other, is good', he continued, 'this wolf is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, truth, generosity, compassion and faith. This same brutal fight is going on inside you too, it is ongoing in every single person on the planet.'
The girl nodded slowly, gently squeezing her grandfathers bony hand, she thought for a minute and then asked, 'Which wolf will eventually win?'
The old man smiled and simply replied, 'The one you feed.'
Post by Mark Weeks